Pierce Hawthorne
'Pierce Hawthorne '(whose legal name, according to "Advanced Gay," is Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne) is a bumbling and libidinous over-the-hill baby-boomer whose family invented- and became wealthy- manufacturing and marketing Hawthorne Wipes. He attends Greendale Community College because he wants to become a Jack-of-all-trades and because he has no one else to spend his time with. He is portrayed by Chevy Chase. Pierce is the 66-year-old (stated in Advanced Dungeons & Dragons) CEO of an apparently successful Moist Towelette company. Although the company has supposedly brought him much material wealth, it resulted in Pierce paying little attention to familial matters. He has been married seven times and has accumulated over thirty step-children because of his multiple matrimonies. Career Pierce based his life around Hawthorne Towelettes, a company founded upon the award-winning product his father created. The business took up the majority of his time, and his life soon became defined by his job. He no longer works at Hawthorne Towelettes, but it was assumed he still owned the company or at least part of it until the death of his father, after which he was let go by the company's controlling interests. He left to expand his horizons by traveling, performing magic, and enrolling at Greendale CC. At Greendale Pierce enrolled at Greendale because he wanted to break out of his small moist towelette centered world and explore life's possibilities. He strongly believes that you can teach an old man new tricks, and he also is out to teach some of Greendale's younger students a thing or two about life. He wants to take a wide variety of classes because he is "looking for an associate's degree in being a Jack of All Trades." ''Pierce has helped The Dean with improving Greendale by helping create the school's mascot, the Human Being, and by writing Greendale's new school song. Class history In the study group Pierce joined the Spanish study group to meet new people and to take up his time. He was quite taken by Shirley, and according to her, he was sexually harassing her since the first day, though he didn't really know better. Although he has been the source of a lot of conflict and tension in the group, the others know that he is a very important part of the group because he fulfills the role of a universal scapegoat. Despite the trouble he has caused, he has also assisted others in the group, such as helping Troy to act (and sneeze) more like a man and helping Shirley get over her fear of public speaking. He considers Annie his favorite member of the group. He has also had multiple father-son moments with Jeff, with the roles reversing at times. He was kicked out of the group at one point but eventually returned. Relationships Due to the time-consuming nature of his job and possibly his own personal attitude, Pierce was married and divorced 7 times. Pierce had a date and ended up sleeping with Dr. Escodera in the first season, but besides those incidents, Pierce made no attempts at finding a girlfriend until he became involved with a rival moist towelette tycoon, Wu Mei. He goes as far as to try and marry her before Jeff reveals she is just spying on him and ruins the relationship. Pierce admits he was just using her for sex as she was just using him to take over his business, but it didn't mean that there weren't good feelings underneath all the using. Jeff redeems himself and brings the two back together for a real date. He spent most of his time trying to help other members of the group, or sometimes getting back at them. Pierce has fathered around 31 step-children from all of his marriages. He currently doesn't speak to any of his exes or any of his former step-children, and he regrets not ever fully settling down and starting a family. Due to this, Pierce considers all the members of the study group to be his family. He believes that he and Jeff have a father-son dynamic although Pierce himself plays the son role most of the time. Trivia * Pierce is part of a Buddhist Church that the others describe as a cult. * Pierce's favorite movie is ''Fletch, which stars Chevy Chase. * Pierce's name may be a reference to Los Angeles Pierce College, where many scenes in the show are shot. * Pierce's last name may be a reference to the restaurant in Pulp Fiction called Hawthorne Grill. * Pierce has been going to Greendale for 13 years. Until the study group, he has never remained friends with any of his classmates for more than one semester. * Pierce represents Somalia in Annie's Model UN and considers it to be a "tropical paradise" based on its severely limited government, loose regulations, free trade policies, and lack of gun control. * Pierce never gets invited to the study group's games. 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